I Heart Fuckabees

With the Iowa and New Hapmshire Primaries over, I've decided to run-down the list of Presidential Candidates and make predictions about their chances of actually winning. First up, the Democrats:

Hilary Clinton: Women hate women and men hate women, especially Hillary, sad but true. Hilary can’t win the title with all the of the negative background surrounding her. Republicans will have no problem beating her this fall if she's given the nomination. Clinton’s old problems with be brought up. As strong as she is, she’s better at being a Senator and working to be a top member someday. If she doesn’t crash and burn, she should respectfully support the nominee and still keep her seat. She can still be a formidable politician who could work some good in the world. (Photo Caption: "Yes we're still married, check out the rock.")

Barack Obama: Obama has a fighting chance. He's young, add some white guilt swing, plus black votes, plus youths . . . Ultimately his win depends on how the populous election count turns out, Bush Jr. fucked us raw with some sleight of hand before and don’t think for a second that Huckabee won’t try that shit too. Obama is smart, he’s genuine, he’s Christian, married to an attractive woman, young kids, and he's Kennedy reminiscent. But more than that, he’s a symbol; and that’s what a President is, a symbol. Obama can make the right choices, keep the congress from being completely useless and be a symbol not only for the progress of America, but a symbol of change to the world.

John Edwards: Oh dear god man! Leave the race and help your wife through her dying days. Just give up you stupid bastard. The only people that like Edwards are the elderly and divorced. Edwards is the Mitt Romney of the Democrats, only he's got more heart and better intentions, but they're just as plastic. (Photo Caption: "That's my daughter, not my wife.")

Bill Richardson: No way will he win, but he’d be a good VP. He’s intelligent, more back ground with problems in the Middle East than anyone running, and a real ear to the immigration issue. Richardson won't be elected for the same reason Wesley Clark wasn't, and it's because Americans are more concerned with glam than facts when it comes to who stands in as their face to the rest of the world. It’s too bad he won’t win, and worse that he probably won’t take VP if it’s even offered. But an Obama/Richardson duo would be the best chance against anything the Republicans decide to sell.

Dennis Kucinich: I love him, I do, but he won’t win and everyone knows the sad truth. Kucinich has been an anti-war candidate for a long-time and has held down the liberal camp for Ohio. I'm sure I'm not alone when I thank him for both those often unpopular actions. It's a liberal-wet-dream to think of an Obama/Kucinich ticket, which, I dunno, hell, may happen.



And now for the Republicans:

Mike Huckabee: Huckabee is the Republican’s answer for Jimmy Carter after the almost near Nixon-like failure of the Bush administration. The rats have jumped ship. Iraq is bungled. Bush Jr. still has some AIDS relief going for his legacy. So there's Huckabee, who's a white, Christian man, and that’s better than the rest of the Republicans can say. He’s like the John Kerry choice, but the Republican spin machine is thrice mightier than the Democrats pathetic attempts. If he can raise enough money to stick it out, let Romney and McCain battle, and come across as the least douche-bagiest, then he may have a chance. FairTax gives him the Ron Paul angle for the white folk who won’t go Obama for the following reasons: too dark, too Arab sounding, too young, too Democrat. (Photo Caption: "She said Fuckabees.")

Rudy Giuliani: If Huckabee has some odd skeletons in his closet, I’m guessing a cross-dressing prostitute fetish given his party’s past, then Giulani can win. He can beat Romney because he’s not Mormon and will appear stronger, maybe, if done with some class. On top of that, he can still mention the 9-11 bullshit as long as he doesn’t harp on it like Kerry’s Purple Heart.

Mitt Romney: Is he a Mormon or a Robot? Either way I’m not voting some wax statue into office just because rich east Republicans want to fight the liberal yanks with cash. The man is a sellout through and through. He’s the CEO that dumps toxic waste into the river close to where he holds company picnics. Look at the sunshine! Look at the smiles! I don't know why I hate Mitt Romney so much, but I do. Perhaps it's the feeling that I'm looking into the eyes of a machine possible controlled by the absent-of-late Karl Rove, who recently ditched his President Pinocchio Doll. (Photo Caption: Mitt Romney Phones It In For America)

Ron Paul: Texas Oil and delivered babies can’t get this man to the White House these days. He’s got some heart, but comes across as a crazy troll. He’s got more of a chance than Kucinich, a little chance it is. Ron Paul has raised more independent funds than any other candidate, and people tired of both parties have flocked to his State-Control, strict Constitutional doctrine. Thankfully, some of his policy of trimming down foreign involvement has been soaked into the campaign. Unfortunately, people still think FairTax is a good idea.

Fred Thompson: No. No way. I'm not even sure why I'm wasting time talking about this candidate. Thompson is insane and shouts off at the mouth like Joe Biden. Straight talk will only get you so far even with a pretty face, coming from a giant toad it’s just unsettling.

John McCain: If he’s smart he’ll take a VP if offered by the nominee. It’s the best chance he’s got, if he’s smart he’ll know it. He has a good head on his shoulders, but his body can only go so much further. The man will be 72 before ever making it into the oval office. He has far too many vanity flaws that actually matter during a Presidential election; too many to point out for a man who used to be somewhat respectable before jumping the fence on one too many issues to suck off Mr. President. But he may be able to keep Giuliani from burning the homeless for fun down the streets like some hellish parade, or stop Huckabee from bombing Saudi Arabia to free the sure-to-soon-be Christian hostages and starting Holy War: Part Deux.

Well, there you have it, my professional opinion on the candidates. My prediction is that Hillary Clinton will win more money and votes than Barack Obama, and win the Democratic Nomination. At that point, I will give about two yanks of a dead dog's dick about the 2008 Election because Hillary will lose, and lose bad to any Republican candidate. Mike Huckabee, however, will most likely pull ahead the nominee for his party even thought he's only slightly smarter than George W. Bush Jr., who I suspect has a difficult time getting his belt through each loop in his pants every morning.

But no matter who wins, we all lose, and that's what American Democracy is all about.